vrage

The top three comedians who get the most laughs when using twitter.

What is the highest and best use of twitter..? Humor!

1. Stephen Colbert

Stephen Colbert is best known as the host of Emmy nominated hit TV show; Comedy Central’s, The Colbert Report and was named one of Time Magazines 100 most influential people in 2006.

Expertise: Straight for the jugular political satire and guilty of being more O’Reilly that the actual host of Fox news, The O’Reilly Factor.

Top Tweet: “Ira Glass is on tonight. Must remember to not call him ‘Rachel Maddow.’”

2. Diablo Cody

An Academy Award winning screenwriter, Journalist and author, Diablo

Was originally best know for her candid writings of her year as an exotic dancer in her writings; Pussy Ranch blog and her 2006 memoir, Candy Girl: A Year in the Life of an Unlikely Stripper.

Expertise: Humor about genitalia and masturbation.

Top Tweet: “Jon Gosselin allegedly cheating — how awesome would it be if he had a secret other set of sextuplets living across town?”

3. Eugene Mirman

Eugene Mirman is a Russian born comedian, writer and filmmaker who is perpetually on tour doing stand-up in a variety of venues across America.

Expertise: Jokes about our failed passenger-train system in America and the things you are better off not saying to elderly people grocery stores.

Top Tweet: “Just got my time machine working. Now I’ll finally get some pussy.”

Hell ! I’m sweating like a pig today…..

……. Oooh! F*CK!!!

Itsh a well known fact that men shlurr their worddds when they have of shtrong drink partaken………….

A man gets up one morning to find his wife in the kitchen cooking. He looks to see what she’s cooking, and sees one of his socks in frying pan.
“What are you doing?” he asks.

“I’m doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk,” she replied.

Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, “I don’t remember asking her to cook my sock…”

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.

Someone had given me a little ‘tea set’ as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was ‘just the cutest thing!’ My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know…

‘Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?’

Calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”

The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA : Here it is!
TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS : Maria!

___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK : Because of the sign.
TEACHER : What sign?
FRANK : The one that says, “School Ahead, Go Slow.”

___________________________________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN : You told me to do it without using tables!

___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Glenn, how do you spell “crocodile?”
GLENN : K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L”
TEACHER : No, that’s wrong
GLENN : Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD : H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
DONALD : Yesterday you said it’s H to O!
___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we
didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE : Me!
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
GOSS : Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Millie, give me a sentence starting with “I.”
MILLIE : I is…
TEACHER : No, Millie….. Always say, “I am.”
MILLIE : All right… “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”

___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
TINO: Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time.”
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry
tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father
didn’t punish him?”
LOUIS : Because George still had the ax in his hand.
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON : No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Clyde, your composition on “My Dog” is exactly the same as
your brother’s. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, teacher, it’s the same dog!;
__________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?
HAROLD : A teacher.

This is a post from Usenet on startrek. Read along, it is hilarious.

Top 100 reasons why spock is better than data.

100. Spock came first.
99. Spock plays chess with his captain; Captain Picard wouldn’t be caught dead playing games with Data.
98. Spock likes to take rocket-pack joy-rides.
97. Spock is so confident, he waits to the last possible second to transmit friendship lingua-code to an attacking enemy.
96. Spock never stabbed his fellow crewmen.
95. Spock never dressed like Friar Tuck.
94. Spock’s mom is not only human, she knows she’s human.
93. Data dresses like Sherlock Holmes; Spock is related to Sherlock Holmes.
92. Humans are beneath him.
91. Vulcans never bluff.
90. Spock doesn’t have an evil twin brother.

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